A Kristmas Karol
by Mortal Anonymous
Summary: Self explanitory,but Spongebob and Squidward -with Patrick- attempt to change stingy Mr. Krabs' ways when he won't give them a Christmas bonus by using a literary classic. May this plot rest in peace.
1. Commercial break 1

**A/N:** I was planning to post this at the appropriate time, but then realized there would just be more of them then. I wrote this simply because the Spongebob ones on this site are all unfinished/OOC. I just wanted to try to do the spoofing justice before this plot suffers further overuse. So unless you reeeeeally hate the fic, please, no more Christmas Carols..! (No offense, I just think Dickens needs a break.)

-

"Ah. Christmas Eve in Bikini Bottom." narrated a nasally French accented voice. "Ze children sled on ze sand dunes, build sandmen and drink hot kelp juice. Meanwhile across town, ze Krusty Krab is shutting down for ze holiday."

Inside said Krusty Krab restaurant, fry cook Spongebob Squarepants cheerfully flipped a lone krabby patty onto a bun. Expertly garnishing it with condiments, he rang the little bell at the server window.

"Squuuidwaaaaarrrd!" ha called happily, "Last order of the day, one Krabby Patty Patty special, extra sauces hold the veggies!"

Squidward's irritated face appeared in the window.

"Whatever Spongebob, just give it to me, will ya?" he grouched.

"Sure thing buddy." smiled the sponge as his arm stretched to place the patty on the windowsill, "Aaand here you go!"

Rolling his eyes, Squidward took the plate and turned to the customer.

"Here, one krabby patty." he drawled, extending it, "Take it, enjoy, come back soon, blah, blah, blah."

The customer, a golden brown fish, grinned to reveal many very long, sharp teeth. Squidward's eyebrow rose at this. The customer darted forward, chomping the plate in the cashier's grip before mannerly dabbing his lips with a handkerchief, turning, and sauntering out the door. Eyebrow still raised, Squidward flexed his tentacles to make sure he still had them, not noticing Spongebob sliding out the kitchen door behind him.

"Ahhh, another day, another dime." Spongebob sighed contentedly, "But not today! Da-aa-aa-aa! Hey Squidward, do you know what time it is nooow?" He jittered with newfound excitement.

"Time to go home and forget about _you?_" Squidward replied.

"Ha ha! Nooo..." Spogebob grinned, flipping his wrist, "It's time to get, _oouurr Christmas bonuuuss!_" He jumped in the air whooping, ran around in circles and zipped to Mr. Krabs' office door. "C'mon Squiddy! What're you waiting for?"

"You to get out of my life." muttered Squidward under his breath. Nonetheless, he crossed the room and joined Spongebob by the door.

Slowly, slowly Spongebob opened the door. Inside, Mr. Krabs sat at his desk surrounded by money. In his claws he held an array of bills, and he looked at them sweetly until he heard the approach of his employees. Then he quickly stashed the bills under his desk, a fairly useless act, as he was still surrounded by currency.

"Arr, and what d'ye lads be wantin'?" the crab inquired of the two.

"Our paychecks please Mr. Krabs." Spongebob smiled. Squidward nodded beside him.

"_Paychecks?!_" screamed Mr. Krabs, flying up out of his chair. Upon resettling he continued, "It's not Friday! Why ye be wantin' a _paycheck?!_"

"Well Mr. Krabs," Spongebob beamed, "it's Christmas!"

"So?"

"Sooo, most people get a bonus at Christmastime."

"So?"

Spongebob began faltering. "So, we'd, like our Christmas bonuses…please."

"_What?!_" exploded Mr. Krabs, "Ye don't get no Christmas bonus at the Krusty Krab! Why, that's just absurd. Pah! Clamshells!"

"But Mr. Krabs, it's customary..!" Spongebob whined, tears threatening to spill.

"For once I agree Mr. Krabs." spoke up Squidward, "You can't just make your employees work extra hard all month without any sort of monetary compensation!"

Mr. Krabs squirmed under Squidward's glare and Spongebob's puppy eyes. He sweat bullets and shook. Moments passed. At last he couldn't take the staring any longer. He threw up his claws in defeat.

"Awright!" he yelled, "Awright,_here!_ Have yer stinkin' 'Christmas bonuses'!" He extended both claws and dropped into his employee's hands a single, solitary coin each. The two inspected their coins curiously.

"A nickel..?" Spongebob asked smally.

"Holy crud I gave ya a _nickel?!_" Mr. Krabs bellowed, gripping his head, "I meant to grab me pennies! Er, I mean, yes, boy, and a Merry Christmas to ya…"

"Mr. Krabs, this is _hardly_ what I'd call monetary compensation." Squidward glowered at his boss.

"Aye, but ye wouldn't call a lot of things monetary compensation now would ye Mr. Squidward?" nodded Mr. Krabs. Suddenly he snapped his claw to the door. "Now be gone!"

"But Mr. Krabs-" the two started in unison.

"Be gone!" the crab yelled again, and suddenly Squidward and Spongebob found themselves sitting outside a slammed door. Back inside, Mr. Krabs once again coddled his money.

"Huhh, they're gone, me lovelies." he sighed, "Now I can get back to baskin' in your sweet, sweet glow."

Outside on the floor, Squidward crossed his arms.

"Miserly old Scrooge..." he grumbled.

"Hyeah.." sighed Spongebob sadly, "I was really counting on that Christmas bonus.."

They sat in silence for a few seconds.

"_Holy cannoli Squidward, that's it!!_"Spongebob outburst, flying off of the floor.

Squidward boredly dropped the cannoli he was suddenly holding. "What are you talking about Spongebob..?"

"Scrooge, Squidward!" smiled Spongebob, "_Ebenezer_ Scrooge, from the ever-popular 19th century literary classic, _A Christmas Carol_ by Charles Dickens!"

Beaming broadly, he pulled out an old brown copy of the novel from behind his back. The fancy calligraphy title shone in the light, and a fat red ribbon bookmarker was lodged in the pages. Squidward blinked at it.

"Uh, ok, what about it?" he asked uninterestedly.

"Well, Mr. Krabs is acting just like Mr. Scrooge in the book! If we want our Christmas bonus, then I think I have a plan." Spongebob carefully checked his surroundings. Satisfied that the restaurant was empty, he leaned close to Squidward and whispered into his ear.

Squidward seemed unimpressed.

"That is the _stupidest_ idea I have ever heard! It's ridiculous!" he growled, "Buuuut, seeing as my payroll is at stake, and I regrettably have nothing better…I'm in."

"Great! Then let's go!" Spongebob grinned, and yanked Squidward from the building.

…………………………………

Patrick Starr was running around in circles in front of his rock, laughing loudly. In his hand was a sprig of mistletoe. Soon, he caught sight of Spongebob and Squidward approaching over the rise of a nearby sand dune. He sprinted towards them, waving excitedly.

"Hey guys! Hey guys!" he yelled, "Lookit what I found! Isn't it neat?"

"It's mistletoe. Big whoop." Squidward told him.

"Isn't it though?" Patrick said obliviously. Squidward rolled his eyes.

"Wow, very cool Patrick!" Spongebob praised, "Does it do anything?"

Patrick nodded vigorously. "Yeah! Check it out!" he exclaimed, and zoomed over to a fish couple who were out for a stroll. Giggling, he held the mistletoe over their heads.

The couple's faces turned to shock as their lips suddenly slammed together. They pushed against one another, trying to separate. Their lips stretched and stretched, until they flew apart with a loud 'snap!'

Guffawing at the two on the ground, Patrick ran back to Squidward and Spongebob.

"See? It's got maaagic pooowerrrs..!" he stated eerily.

"Wow! Neat, Pat!" Spongebob agreed, "But actually, we came to ask you if you wanted to help us get a Christmas bonus from Mr. Krabs."

Patrick was busy waving his mistletoe up and down through the water.

"How're you gonna do that?" he asked, "Mr. Krabs never gives away money." He stopped flapping mid-stroke, and eyed his friends innocently.

"Don't even think about it." Squidward warned. Patrick shrugged and started to put the plant in his mouth.

"Don't eat it you imbecile!" Squidward shouted, raising his arms, "Don't you know mistletoe is poisonous?!"

Patrick took it back out, looked at it, then shrugged again and stuffed it into his mouth, chewing noisily. Squidward smacked a tentacle to his forhead.

"So, anyway," Patrick said between chews, "how're you guys gonna do this?"

"Well," Spongebob began, and pulled out his book, "I thought we could use the tired old plot of _A Christmas Carol_ to scare Mr. Krabs into being generous." He opened the book to a certain page. It depicted Scrooge being haunted by the ghost of Jacob Marley. "See? All we need to do is find some ghost disguises."

"Oh I love disguises!" clapped Patrick, "When do we start?"

"Why, right now, of course!" Spongebob said brightly, slamming the book closed.

"Yaaaay!" cheered Patrick, and the two of them ran off toward Spongebob's pineapple.

"Ooooh boy." grumbled Squidward before slumping off after them.


	2. Commercial break 2

…………………………………

That night, the three of them crept silently across Mr. Krabs' lawn, halting right below his window.

"Everybody ready?" Spongebob whispered. Patrick and Squidward nodded.

Patrick wore a wreath of holly on his pointy head, and under the wreath was a shaggy orange wig. Fake facial hair adorned his face, and he wore a long red bedsheet toga.

Squidward simply wore a hooded gray bedsheet cloak.

Spongebob himself had on a dark orange semi-long wig with a simple garland of laurel on top. He also wore a white bedsheet toga, but his covered both shoulders. He pulled out the book and compared the trio to it.

"Alllrighty," he said, "lookin' good!" He froze. His eyes darted to the page and then to Patrick.

"Wait a minute, Pat," he addressed, "Where's your mountain of food?"

"Uhh…" went Patrick.

"You didn't." Squidward groaned. Patrick nodded.

"It was a long walk over..!" defended the seastar against the looks he was given.

Spongebob sighed. "I guess we'll just have to do without." he shrugged, "Now, somebody lift me up there so we can get started." He pointed to the above porthole window.

Patrick smiled and whipped out a wooden pole with a rope on it. Spongebob grabbed the rope and tied it to himself. He then signaled to the others to start lifting. He rose, up, up, and dangled to a halt directly in front of the window. Quickly, he attached himself to the tiny ledge and peered inside.

Mr. Krabs was thankfully already slumbering in his hammock bed. Smiling, Spongebob compressed himself and slipped through the window crack, then opened it from inside. Next, he twisted to face the hammock and begin his haunting.

"Miiiisterrrr Kraaaabs…" he moaned, emphasizing spookiness with arm wiggles, "Miiiisterrrr Ka-raaaaabs..!"

Mr. Krabs bolted upright. The money he'd apparently had under his covers floated everywhere. Upon spotting his intruder, his face turned to annoyance and he barked, "What?! What d'ye want?! Can't ye see I'm tryin' to get meself some shut-eye?!"

"Mr. Krabs," the sponge said hauntingly, the moon giving him backlight, "I am the ghost of Christmas past. Tremble as I hover to your bedside…forward…fooorwaaarrrd…a little to the left, no-no, stage left…too far, a liiiittle back…ok now down, dooown…up a bit, ok stop!"

Outside, Patrick and Squidward strained immensely to hold the position of the pole.

Inside, Mr. Krabs observed the goings-on with a flat look on his face, his eyes tracing the sponge's path. When Spongebob finally floated above the hammock's end, Mr. Krabs sighed, and asked, "Ok, so yer the ghost of Christmas past. What ye be doin' here then? Shouldn't ye be in the English Channel 'r somethin'?"

Spongebob sweated a bit.

"Um, no," he explained, still in his spooky voice, "I don't just work one gig. How could I live like that? Uh, I'm global." He waited with bated breath while Mr. Krabs rubbed his chin in consideration.

"Hmm, sounds right." he concluded. Spongebob let out a sigh. "But what ye be doin' here,?" the crab pressed.

"Oh, right." recalled Spongebob, and he waggled his fingers ominously. "Tooniiight," he said, "Yooou will be visiteeed by threeee ghoooosts, myself incluuudeeed…"

"Wait a minute," Mr. Krabs interrupted, "Ain't that plotline a bit overused? And where's me old dead business partner?"

"Youu didn't haaave ooonne…" Spongebob pointed out.

"Sure I did, laddie." Mr. Krabs told him, and pulled out a picture of himself and a wrinkly green thing in a suit. The thing had black bulby eyes and a wrinkly round mouth full of sharp teeth. "His name were Leechington Green. Fine fella. Helped me get me sealegs after me no-good still _alive_ partner, Plankton, double-crossed me." Spongebob nodded nervously.

"Ohhh riiight," he moaned, "Uhhh, he couldn't maaake iiit…"

He felt himself sinking lower, and noticed the rod supporting him was trembling. 'Uh oh,' he thought, 'better get moving'. Quickly, he extended a hand to his boss.

"Cooome with mee, Mr. Krabs, and seee yoouur paaast…" he told the crustacean.

Mr. Krabs shrugged and reached for the hand, but before he got there, the pole holding Spongebob collapsed. Spongebob fell onto the end of Mr. Krabs' hammock, flipping the other end and launching Mr. Krabs into the opposite wall. Mr. Krabs screamed as he ricocheted off the wall and slammed into Spongebob. The two became a mess of tangled sheet and limb on the floor.

Spongebob extracted himself from the pile. He dusted himself off and looked at Mr. Krabs. He was unconscious, evident from the little dollar signs swirling above his head.

"Oops." said Spongebob, "Oh well, this gives me more time to set up." He zipped to the window and softly called, "Film projector..!" The large, clonky machine parts were tossed up to him, sending the sponge reeling back. Regaining balance, he assembled the contraption with cartoon-like speed, pushed play, then knelt beside the unconscious crustacean. "Mr. Krabs," he whispered, shaking him, "Mr. Krabs, wake up!"

Blearily the crab's eyes opened. "Yarr…" he mumbled, "What be the time..?"

"The time?" parroted Spongebob, "Uh, the time be…long, long ago, when you were but a wee shellfish. Observe." He pointed to the wall displaying the film.

It showed a young Eugene Krabs opening presents under a coral tree. The present turned out to be a boat. The next an airplane, and the next a stuffed seahorse doll. With each gift Eugene's toothy grin grew wider.

"Ah, yes," recalled the present Mr. Krabs, "I remember that Christmas. It was the first time I realized I could sell all me presents to the neighborhood kids fer money."

"Yes," Spongebob nodded solemnly, "And know that unless you change your ways, you-wait what?"

"Aye," Mr. Krabs nodded in return, "Why, that was the best Christmas of me whole life!"

Spongebob blinked, unsure of what to say. Just then, the film became choppy, and the picture melted away.

"What the-?" Mr. Krabs started.

"Uh, yeah, um, the past does that sometimes; we ghosts are kinda low-budget…" Spongebob chuckled nervously, "Guess, uh, our time's up. Soo, k g'night think hard about the moral lesson you just learned goodbye!" With that he dashed to the window, grabbed the projector and jumped out before Mr. Krabs could even turn around.

Mr. Krabs looked around, blinking, then picked up the sheets up off the floor and returned to his hammock.

Outside, Spongebob leaned against the building, panting.

"_Wheeew,_ that was a close one!" he heaved, wiping his brow, "Alright Patrick, you're next. Good luck."

Patrick secured the rope around his waist and flashed a beaming thumbs-up.

Grunting and groaning, Spongebob and Squidward slowly managed to lift the heavy seastar. He swayed dangerously, and on the way up his head hit the building several times, producing a dull 'thunk' and an equally dull 'ow'. Eventually though, he made it to the open porthole and squashed his way through it.

"At _least_ Patrick's ghost doesn't fly…" Squidward groused.

…………………………………

Inside, Patrick undid the rope from around his middle, completely oblivious to the screams and crashes the sudden release in tension caused. The noises did jolt Mr. Krabs from his light doze, however, and he rubbed his eyes to behold his new specter.

"Greetings, Mr. Krabs!" Patrick shouted merrily, "Come forth, and know me better, man, for I am the ghost of Christmas presents!" He flapped his arms joyously.

"Arr, don't chya mean Christmas _present_?" inquired Mr. Krabs as he scuttled over, claws on his hips.

"Yeah, that's what I said: Christmas presents."

"Whatever laddie." Mr. Krabs dismissed with a wave, "Just get to the point. Why've ya come?"

Patrick's eyes widened.

"Oo! Uhh…" he struggled, "I have come to tell you, that unless you change and give Spongebob and Squidward more money, uhhh, theeenn…Gary can't live here anymore! He'll be forced to live in the streets!"

"Gary?" Mr. Krabs racked his memory, "Ain't that Spongebob's pet snail?"

"Uhuh," Patrick confirmed, "and, if Gary can't live here anymore, Spongebob'll be really sad and mopey forever and ever..!"

"Oo. That is kinda bad." Mr. Krabs said, looking a tad sorry, "Think what that'll do to his performance! But, what does Spongebob's snail have to do with Squidward?"

"Um…" Patrick tried, "Well, uh, nothing really. But if Squidward doesn't get payed more, then, he, uh, can't afford music lessons."

Mr. Krabs cringed at the thought of Squidward's clarinet playing.

"Look, lad," he inquired, "are ya sure that these things'll happen, just because I didn't pay me workers a couple of extra bucks?"

"I see an empty chair and music stand in the corner…" Patrick said gravely.

Mr. Krabs turned. "Arr, yes, those're from me short-lived career as a violinist." he noted, "But what about me question?"

Silence.

"Mr. Ghost?" called Mr. Krabs, inspecting the room. He found nothing. Once more he was alone.

Meanwhile, on the ground outide, Patrick sat in that sand, inside a small crater.

…………………………………

Patrick cast his eyes over the sands in confusion. "Guuuuyyys…" he called, "Guys?"

From underneath him there came much shifting and grunting. Slowly, two yellow arms shaking with effort dragged themselves out of the crater. They pulled hard, and with a resounding 'pop', Spongebob emerged. He let the momentum carry and flop him into the sand.

"Whoo!" he exclaimed.

"Spongebob!" Patrick shouted with glee, "There you are..! But what happened to Squidward?"

Spongebob righted himself, then pointed at where Patrick was seated a couple of times.

"Oh. Oops." Patrick responded, and stood to reveal one wide-eyed, very flat octopus. Spongebob took the top of Squidward's head and gently lifted him, then snapped him like bedclothes. He immediately became 3-D and fell to the ground.

Jumping back up, Squidward dusted himself and stomped over to Patrick.

"Can't you do anything right, kelp-for-brains?!" he yelled, "You can't even jump out a window without breaking most of my bones! Why I aughta-" His threatening was cut off by Spongebob tugging at his cloak.

"What!?" Squidward demanded, rounding on him instead. Spongebob put a finger to his lips, while with the other arm pointed to the window. Squidward's eyes widened again and darted to the porthole. So far, it seemed, they hadn't been noticed.

"Ok, Squidward," Spongebob whispered coachingly, "You're our last hope. Are you ready?"

"Yeah, yeah, just get me up there." replied Squidward sourly, pulling his hood up.

Smiling, Spongebob tied the rope around Squidward and brought the pole ever to Patrick. They both shot Squidward a thumbs-up, to which he merely grumbled, arms folded. In no time the octopus was outside the window.

"Wow Squidward, you're really light..!" Spongebob told him.

"Shut up." Squidward quietly retorted, and he pulled himself through the porthole.

This time Mr. Krabs was waiting, seated in an armchair near the hammock, sipping a cup of tea.

"Ah, hello there laddie." he greeted, "Let me guess, you're the ghost of Christmas yet to come."

Squidward did his best to nod in a spooky manner.

"Oh right, you're the one that don't talk." Mr. Krabs noted, "So, what've ya got in store for me?" Squidward jerked his thumb toward the open window. Mr. Krabs gulped, but set down his tea and approached. He looked outside for a moment, and then apprehensively turned to his visitor.

"We uh, ain't gonna be flyin' are we?" he questioned, "I got a little problem with unsupported heights." Squidward put a tentacle to his head in exasperation. Edgy, he grabbed Mr. Krabs by the collar of his nightgown and hopped out the porthole.

Mr. Krabs screamed. And screamed, and screamed, and screamed. Then he noticed they were already flying away from his house quite steadily.

"Oh," he realized, "right, I knew that." He chuckled awkwardly.

Unnoticed to him, Spongebob and Patrick, now in cat burgling outfits, gave Squidward another cheery thumbs-up as they ran behind the 'flyers' with the pole.

Underneath his hood, Squidward just rolled his eyes.

…………………………………

At last, the little group arrived in a creepy, dark valley with a lone piece of driftwood standing erect in the center. They made a beeline straight for it.

Squidward and Mr. Krabs touched down gently. Mr. Krabs scuttled forward nervously to inspect the driftwood. Behind him Squidward slammed forward into the ground, wiped out from carrying the large crab.

Spongebob and Patrick leaned over him curiously before exchanging blank glances. Patrick poked Squidward with the rod.

Instantly enraged, Squidward reared up and made to strangle the two, who gripped each other in fear.

"So, uh, Mr. Ghost…" Mr. Krabs started.

Squidward instantly shifted into a nonchalant pose with his arms behind his back. The other two were nowhere to be seen.

"What exactly would this marker be for?" Mr. Krabs continued, "There ain't no writin' or nothin'…" Slowly, Squidward raised a tentacle above his head, and then brought it down fast, pointing dramatically at the crab before him.

"Eep!" Mr. Krabs squeaked, "Me? B-but how?" He zoomed to the graveside and dug to the bottom in about three seconds. He surfaced with a box, placed it on the ground and pulled off the lid. Inside was a live action cutout of a baked crab on a bed of lettuce.

"Aieeeeee!" shrieked Mr. Krabs, claws to his cheeks. Quickly, he shut the box and kicked it back into the hole. Squidward attempted spooky nodding again. On either side of him, Patrick and Spongebob, dressed once more in their ghost costumes, rose from the sand, waggling their arms Egyptian style.

"Soo, Mr. Krabs," Spongebob said icily, "will you change your stingy ways?"

Mr. Krabs' mouth formed an 'o' as he was visibly taken aback. He then clutched his gut and laughed. The ghostly trio displayed confusion.

"Aaaar ar-ar-ar-ar!" chortled Mr. Krabs, "Look lads, it'll take more than one night of cheap scares, fond memories and false promises to change the ways of a man with such deep attachments so drastically. Sure, me fate might be horrible, but so are a lotta people's. And besides, I like the way I'm livin'. I ain't gonna change just because a buncha ghosts tell me to. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a few more winks to catch before tomorrow."

That said, he scuttled off, laughing again, leaving the three ghosts blinking, stunned, at the profound truth of Mr. Krabs' speech.


	3. Commercial break 3

The sun rose beautifully over Spongebob's street, its rays broadcasting peace and tranquility.

"Well, here it is, Christmas Day in Bikini Bottom." announced a nasally French voice, "And here, inside zis festively decorated pineapple, our young sponge is about to wake up."

Spongebob lay snoozing in his bed; Gary lay on the floor beside him. Spongebob's alarm clock showed five seconds to seven.

As soon as the second hand hit twelve, the alarm foghorn blared, jolting a widely beaming Spongebob from his sleep. He pressed the alarm's off button, catching it on the second honk, and threw off his covers. Now crouching eagerly on the edge of his mattress, he stretched his arm downward and tapped Gary's shell.

"Pst! Gary..!" he said quietly. This not working, he shook the snail's shell profusely and said louder, "Gary…come on Gary, wake up you sleepy sea slug! It's Christmas!"

Gary's eyestalks slowly crept out of his shell, blinking sleepily. "Meow..?" he asked, his voice dripping fatigue.

"Yes of course now, silly." Spongebob chuckled, "You wouldn't wanna miss present time, would ya?"

"Meow?" Gary questioned, sounding more awake as he popped fully out of his shell.

"Well, no…" Spongebob admitted, scratching his head, "I couldn't afford to _buy_ a present for everyone with no Christmas bonus…but I _did_ do something even better with what I did have..!" He stretched his arm out of sight and pulled a large cardboard box onto the bed. He opened the box and stuck his hand inside. "Are you ready, Gary?" he asked, smiling.

"Meow!" Gary replied, circling the floor in excitement.

"Ookaaay…iiit's…" Spongebob teased, then, quick as a flash, set before Gary, "a book made of origami!"

Gary blinked at the blank white book leaning against the bed in front of him. He oozed forward, opened it, and flipped though a few equally blank pages.

"Meow." he said sarcastically.

"You're welcome, Gary!" gushed Spongebob, "You have fun now..!" He then switched to a deep, important-sounding voice, stuck his index finger in the air and announced, "I've got some presents to deliver!"

He then grabbed the box and sprung from the bed, somersaulted through the air and landed squarely in his pre-set pants. Next, he rushed to the bathroom where he combed his eyelashes, polished his teeth with an electronic two-buffer brush, and injected himself first with soap, then water, and shook himself vigorously. As soon as he squished himself so that all the bubbles escaped from within, he zipped to the front door, donned hat and scarf, and then exited the house still holding his box.

La-la-ing 'Deck the Halls', Spongebob pranced his way next door to Squidward's. Coming to a dainty one-legged halt at the door, Spongebob began a rain of merciless pounding on it with his free hand.

After a few seconds, the door was wrenched open, revealing Squidward in his puce nightshirt. "What!?" he demanded in annoyance.

"Merry Christmas, Squidward!" Spongebob cheered jovially, and pulled out Squidward's present. "Here!"

Squidward took the white bamboo-mimicking case offered to him and inspected it with suspicion. "Umm, what is it..?" he questioned after a few seconds, a brow raised.

"Why, it's an exact paper replica of the case of clarinet reeds I was going to buy for you. See?" Spongebob informed, raising an arm to open it. The lid swung up on paper hinges, revealing several small bits of paper inside, some of which clouded up into Squidward's face before floating away in several directions.

"Gee, thanks." the octopus stated sarcastically.

"You're welcome, Squid buddy!" smiled Spongebob, and he pulled Squidward into a one-armed hug.

"Ok, enough of that now, Spongebob…let go!" pleaded Squidward uncomfortably, while attempting in vain to detach the clinging sponge.

"Hey guys!!" Patrick's frantic voice suddenly called. Spongebob and Squidward's eyes widened, and Spongebob let go of Squidward to face the scarved Patrick as he ran up to them.

"Guys! I just-it's-Krusty Krab-!" Patrick stammered, flapping about hectically.

"Hold on a sec, Pat." Spongebob said, holding up a hand. He then rummaged through his box and presented Patrick with a giant paper candy cane. "First, here's your present. Merry Christmas!"

"Wow a giant candy cane! Thanks Spongebob!" Patrick yelled, flying off of the ground. He snatched it from his friend and gave it a big lick, then inserted it into half-way into his mouth, sucking.

"Patrick, no, wait! It's not-" Spongebob started.

CRUNCH!

"-real…" Spongebob finished quietly. Patrick dabbed his mouth with his scarf.

"Mmm, papery." he smiled. Squidward rolled his eyes. "Whatever Patrick." he groaned, "Just tell us what you were going to say!"

Patrick started in surprise. He tapped his chin in thought. "Was I going to say something..?" he pondered.

Squidward growled and shook with anger.

"Wait a minute…you said it was Christmas, right Spongebob?" asked Patrick.

"Yuppers!" replied the sponge.

"Then it musta been…" began Patrick, then suddenly he launched into a wild dance, screaming, "Merry Christmas, Meeerry Christmaaas! Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Me-rry Christmaaass!" He yanked Spongebob into a hoedown style circling, and Spongebob gladly joined in the 'song'. Squidward just crossed his tentacles and glowered at them.

After dancing across the lawn a few times, Patrick recalled out of nowhere, "Oh yeah, that reminds me: there's a big Christmas party goin' on down at the Krusty Krab!" He then continued dancing, but Spongebob screeched to a halt. Both he and Squidward's faces displayed the utmost shock.

"What?!" they cried in unison, then sped off down the road, leaving a dust trail, and with a surprised Patrick carried backwards between them.

…………………………………

Spongebob and Squidward stood frozen inside the doors of the now decorated Krusty Krab, mouths agape. People milled about, chatting, drinking punch, and doing things one generally does at parties.

Patrick got tired of standing around, so he wandered away from his friends.

Mr. Krabs noticed the two standing dumbly by the door and scuttled over.

"Hello there lads!" he greeted, snapping them out of their trance, "Welcome, come on in, try some punch."

"Mr. Krabs, what is this?" questioned Spongebob in amazement, "A big expensive-looking party for everyone in Bikini Bottom? Are you feeling alright, sir?"

"Arrr ar-ar-ar-ar!" laughed Mr. Krabs, slapping the sponge on the back, "Never better lad. I been plannin' this party all month! What, did ya think I'm so cold-hearted as to do absolutely nothin' fer Christmas?"

Spongebob's gaze shifted guiltily. "Um, yes..?" he answered quietly.

An awkward silence ensued.

"Well, never mind that now me boy!" Mr. Krabs saved it, throwing an arm around Spongebob, "Join in the merriment, have a drink! (Five bucks a glass, refills're extra.)"

"Hey, my last drink was only two dollars!" called a random unhappy fish.

"Aw, shut yer nog hole!" Mr. Krabs shot back, fisted claw raised. He started to walk away.

"Wait Mr. Krabs!" Spongebob stopped him, and dug through the cardboard box he still had with him. "I want you to have your present. Merry Christmas!" He pulled from the box a white paper Santa hat and presented it to his employer.

"Um, right lad, Merry Christmas…and, thanks, I'll uh, put it on later…" promised Mr. Krabs while stuffing the gift into his back pocket. Before departing, he turned to Squidward and added, "By the way, Mr. Squidward, that's quite a spiffy shirt ya got on. Nice ta see ya finally develop some taste." As the crab wandered off, Squidward glanced down to realize he still wore his nightshirt.

"Dyaaah!" he exclaimed, and tried to cover his chest with his arms.

"Don't worry, Squiddy," Spongebob assured, "That color looks great on you..!"

With that he left the octopus to distribute origami presents to every resident in Bikini Bottom. He spent the entire party on this task: Sandy got a new paper guitar, Mrs. Puff got a special monogrammed paper crash suit, Old Man Jenkins got a fancy paper ear horn; even Plankton was presented with his very own paper Krabby Patty! The presents were all received with less than enthusiasm, but Spongebob refused to notice. He just enjoyed handing them out.

But alas, at day's end the party was over, and all personnel were shooed from the premises. Spongebob and Patrick clustered to Squidward's sides as he walked home.

"Well, that whole thing was certainly unexpected." Spongebob noted as they walked, "I guess we never even needed to use that silly old book in the first place!" He pulled the novel from his pocket and threw it behind him. Squidward's brow furrowed.

"What are you talking about, Spongebob?" he demanded, "We still didn't get any money out of this…in fact, I seem to be a bit short after that party…" He shook his empty wallet to prove his point.

"Yes, but Squidward don't you see?" Spongebob asked, sparkling, "The Christmas spirit was inside Mr. Krabs all along! It doesn't matter that we didn't scare any money out of him!"

"Well it matters to me!" retorted Squidward, "I actually _mind_ being sand poor!"

"Alright, so maybe Mr. Krabs' motives weren't exactly pure…but _still,_ Squidward..!" the sponge gushed.

"Shut up Spongebob…"

Patrick laughed.

"And just _what_ is so funny?" steamed Squidward. Patrick pointed.

Squidward and Spongebob both looked up. It seemed that Patrick had found another sprig of mistletoe somewhere, and was currently dangling it in anticipation between his two friends. Squidward immediately backpedalled several feet.

"Ahh! No! Get away from me with that thing!" he screamed.

"Geez, Squidward, where's your holiday spirit?" demanded Spongebob in mock anger, hands on his hips.

"CHASE SQUIDWARD!" Patrick yelled happily.

Laughing, he and Spongebob chased a shrieking Squidward into the night, waving the mistletoe.

"Well, zere you have it," the nasally French narrator narrated, "ze Spongebob Squarepants Christmas Carol...Oh, come on, you knew it was inevitable! Now go home you silly people. Zere's nothing else to see here."


End file.
